I Don't Know If I Should Share This

I Don't Know If I Should Share This 

But Here I Go Anyways 

Not A Review, But A Reflection 

How Music Has Always Helped Me Get through Tough Times

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Hey guys! So I don't know how to start this blog post off. I haven't posted anything in almost two weeks. I last saw you in the review for Northern Fires (Guernica), the latest single from Silent Planet. Since then I began preparing for my trip to Dallas, TX. I was a groomsmen in my best friend of 10+ years' wedding. The Tuesday before I was set to depart we were at Walmart when we got a call from my grandfather. "You need to get here quick!" he told my mom. "Carolyn (my grandmother) has crashed and they can't revive her!" We dropped everything and bolted out the door and sped from the store to my Grandparents house. They only live about a 5 minute drive from the Walmart. When we got there the EMT's were in the house working on her. They had a police officer at the door and they would not let anyone inside while they were trying to revive her. Between the time she crashed, they got her back, then lost her again on the way to the hospital. And in total she was without oxygen to her brain for 40 minutes. 

They had her heart beating, and a ventilator helping her breathe. But the lack of oxygen had done enough trauma to her brain that she was not going to make it out of it. An EEG scan the next day confirmed my feelings when I visited her in the ICU room. There was nothing left inside her body but an empty shell and a beating heart. That empty shell and beating heart that was my Granny; passed on from this earth officially on Thur. the 21st of June, 2018. But if you ask me. And going by what I felt. She was gone long before that. I have that weird sense inside me. When I am close to a person in the hospital. I can sense if their soul is still attached to their body. Or if they are just lingering in the room. Waiting to let go and finally be free from the suffering. And if their soul has already gone from their body and has made it's exit from the lifeless body in the room. The air feels stale. The body cold. And the presence of the soul that should be in that body. Was no longer in the room. I could tell that this was the case with Granny. As she was nowhere for me to feel when I entered the ICU room. 

That last part is where I draw my trouble with explaining my feelings. I do feel a terrible pain. Especially since her passing was sudden, and unexpected. But with the feelings that I get. I know, well before the person is actually declared deceased, that they were indeed gone. But Granny is the closest person to me that I have lost so far. So I began to doubt my feelings. I didn't want to believe that she had actually passed. But even still I knew. And that made it a little easier to accept her passing. And that's weird. Because I feel so bad. I am tired more than usual. I can't focus at times. And explaining my thoughts are harder than they usually are. I don't show my sadness around friends and family in a normal way either. I seem normal. Like it is just another day. I don't cry, or express grief by somber tone. Because I am already at peace. My soul has found closure long before everyone else. Even with a death as sudden as Granny's. I found closure, almost as quickly as she was pronounced deceased. And I am able to act normally, rationally, and more level-headed. That makes me sound like I am a bit insensitive. But I am surely not that insensitive. I just have a hard time describing and expressing my feelings. I guess I am just too use to people and things leaving me.

There is one thing however, that has never left me. Music. Through it I can find stories that are just like mine. Then I know that I am not alone. There are people that feel like me. The bands and artists that I follow are all really nice people. And they make me feel like I have a place that I can actually belong to. I think of bands like Silent Planet. And their front man Garrett Russell. The dude is amazing! And anytime he and I get to chat at a show my soul is always uplifted. I think of a band named Fit For A King. Texas natives who know how to move a crowd. Their wholesome lyrics bring in dark themes and add a hopeful message to them. Their guitarist Bobby is a crazy good player and is always good with fans off stage. Their vocalist Ryan Kirby is one of the best front man that I have met. Even getting me on of the first press passes that I had ever gotten for a show. So yes. Music has, ans will always be a source of comfort for me. And that will sum things up for this blog post. Please go and check out my social media links for fun times in between blog posts. Subscribe to this blog if you haven't already. And I will see you in another blog post. Very soon!
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